Sunday, November 15, 2009

I ws just thinking, it's not been a good year for the child abusers.

Michael Jackson died. Or, his zombie corpse finally rejected the artificial animation to which it had been submitted years ago. He always claimed that he had had no cosmetic surgery. I'm beginning to believe that he may have been telling the truth. Ever see a picture of an ancient Egyptian mummy? I'm just saying, the dude looked like he had been dead and decaying for years, by the time he "died". Maybe the Thriller video was actually a confession/clue, like all of those clues that McCartney had died back in the sixties.

Roman Polanski was finally captured, after years hiding out in the obscurity of deluxe hotels and awards banquets. Seriously, how hard would it have been to get the stupid little prick back? I mean, sure, the French love Jerry Lewis...but even the frog-eaters have to see something wrong with drugging, then anally raping, a 13 year old girl.

Richard Heene's kid tattled on him about the whole balloon thing. And, beyond the fact that he's whoring his kids out on the teevee in order to get his own smug face on the screen, just check out the Cost Cutter's "Child Molester" mop-cut he wears on top of his melon. Really, it would be hard to feel sorry for him, even if he hadn't put his family through two (!!!!!) seasons of being on Wife Swap. But he did. So, screw him.

Can't say I feel sorry for any one of 'em, really.


Friday, November 6, 2009


I have some pretty strong addictive tendencies. Once I start eating hot foods (peppers, hot sauce, etc.), I can't stop until I am totally full and almost sick to my stomach.

Once I start reading, I read until I fall asleep.

Tonight, I am drinking vodka tonics.

Tomorrow morning may not be so pleasant...


Monday, November 2, 2009

This Post Doesn't Make Much Sense, But That's What Gives It its Power...

...much like the Green Lantern's ring was powered by a...well...a green lantern...I think. I never really liked Green Lantern, that much.

Anyway, I was just eating some Snyder's of Hanover pretzels, and I thought to myself that I should market Schneider's of One Day At A Time (named after the character played by Pat Harrington, the man who shot Billy the Kid. Or, was that Mrs. Garrett from Facts of Life?).

So, I baked up some prototypes, complete with little mustaches just like Dwayne Schneider had on the show. Unfortunately, the mustaches looked more like Hitler's than they did Schneider's. The pretzels invaded the fridge and, within three days, they had subjugated the Polish sausage, launched a Friteskrieg against my leftover fries and committed atrocities against the JuJuBees.

Before I could get them out and crush them, the Hitlerpretzels and their girlfriend, Eva Braunmustard, committed suicide. At least, that's what the Russian dressing told me, after it was all over. I never saw the crumbs, however, so I think the pretzels may have escaped.